Journal Entry: Wednesday April 25, 2018 (7:20am)
For months I’ve been concerned that something might be wrong with me. I’ve been consumed with a growing desire to withdraw from the world.
I run all errands in the mornings. Make any necessary appointments no later than 10am. All to get happily tucked back into my home by mid-day. Where I stay.
Am I depressed?
I simply don’t want to exert much time or energy interacting in the world.
This morning I realized why.
I was driving. I went to turn. And almost hit a car that came out of nowhere, sped past me and didn’t stop at the stop sign.
Even as I barely avoided hitting his car…
He didn’t see me.
Wherever he was in his mind, he wasn’t there. He was clearly somewhere far away.
I neither honked nor got upset. (I did breath a sigh of relief.)
Instead… A growing sense of understanding & acceptance washed over me.
I don’t like being out in the world because when I am, I feel like I’m surrounded by the living dead.
They walk. They talk. But, something’s clearly not right. It’s like there is an emptiness inside.
They’re disconnected – from others, from themselves.
Most interactions are brief, shallow, distant… Something used to pass the time before they can get on with their life.
At home, I feel peace.
Outside of it, stress & anxiety can easily overwhelm me. Not my own. The stress & anxiety radiating off of everyone else.
It scares me. The contagion. It shows what & who I could easily become if only I give in to the incessant hum that lulls so many into a deep waking sleep.
So, I avoid it. Lest I become infected myself. A fate similar to death.
What else I can do? Until I can come up with a way to ensure immunity for myself?
In the meantime, I protect myself. Hoping (but knowing it’s not the case) that someone will find a cure.
Until that day, I stay alert. Looking for people (the few) who have remained uninfected too. Every time I find one, I feel a brief sense of hope. I treasure them like a rare gem.
Only to have hope soon fade, as I wonder & fear if it’s only a matter of time before the virus invades them too.
And then, what will be left?
A world alive.
But withering inside.
With no place safe.
No one immune.
I open the car door. Walk through the garage. And, into the house. As I do so, I feel instant reprieve.
I am safe.
I am present.
For now, my roots deep & strong like a tree.