My computer tucked away for months at end… I pull it out only to find dust covering it’s lid.
The spring months flew. Now, summer almost gone. I’ve been living in this otherworldly dimension where times moves so fast I’m terrified to pause. Knowing if I do, my place will be long gone.
I could recap the past months. Months where I fully intended to write. But with nothing noteworthy to say… I’d waste both of our time.
I’ve found myself in a place I’ve been too many times. Where something feels off. Leaving me dull & empty inside.
Searching for the answer, I come up blank. Questioning in the process if I’m having some pre- midlife crisis. If something is seriously wrong with me. Or, if this is a natural part of life.
I watch from a distance others go about their day. Normally. As if nothing is seriously astray.
I’ve been thinking of changing up my blog. Nothing huge. Just something new.
I’m also… Trying to get myself to begin writing for another blog I started months ago whose pages looked like spilled white glue.
While also working on a business. A book. Too many things for a overly scattered mind.
So, instead of doing something… Anything… I hide.
Progress halted on all. I feel a snail could easily pass me by.
Each day I imagine pressing a restart button. Beginning anew. Doing something different that takes me out of my stagnant routine into the realm of possibilities where what I want lives.
I start off strong. I go downhill fast. And, by 10am I’ve given up. Assuming today will end up just like the last.
I search from pivotal decision points. A moment in time where a small variation leads the path to easily change.
Sometimes I see them. Acknowledge them. And, still do the same.
Other times, I miss them. Or, turn a blind eye. Afraid of what it might mean if I deviate – even though it’s necessary for me to move forward in life.
Each day I battle with the question…
How to move forward when one feels stuck?
So, far I have no definitive answer. I’ve only learned what doesn’t work.
I try drinking more water. Drinking more wine. Eating more kale. (Only the wine hasn’t completely failed.)
I don’t mean to startle you. As I try to find my way. It feels both earth trembling bad. And, as if… It’s just another normal day.
For experience I’ve learned…
The way out is never pretty. Neat. Or, clean.
That to find what I’m looking for… To pull myself together… Is going to be messy. Potentially time consuming. And, likely at points, bring me to my knees.
But here I am… Ready to share whatever comes. Good. Bad. Ugly.
Knowing that to be remade, first…
I must allow something to die. To let go.
And… Then, openly welcome something new in it’s place.