I have a love/hate relationship with change.
On one hand… Every part of me craves it. I search for it like a drowning man for water. Because I know without it, no growth or progress takes place,
Which leads life to become an infinite loop. An infertile place where we always return from where we came.
On the other hand… The mere thought of most change makes me want to run & hide. To retreat within myself and the comfort of the well established habits & routines of my life.
How easy complacency and inertia are – or would be.
This battle rages from morn to even. Always leaving me questioning…
Which part will victor?
Will change or stagnation succeed?
I try different mental tricks in an effort to soothe my mind. Hoping to quiet fear long enough to make healthy strides.
I succeed some moments. Fall back the next. Always wondering if there’s some magical answer I simply haven’t found yet.
In frustration, with nothing left I can think to do…
I decide to embrace the resistance. Accepting it as (an unwelcome) clue.
Any time I feel it surfacing or clutching body or mind, I know old habits (of thought, behavior or belief) have flared. That I’m stuck back in time.
For most of my life when I’ve felt this heat, I’ve turned away. Scared to get burned. Frozen I stayed.
Now, when it rears it’s ugly head (which it always does), I stand still for a few moments. Take a couple of deep breaths. And, resolve to tentatively move on. (Cringing internally as I take my first steps.)
My progress always proves slower than I’d like it to be. But with fundamental parts of me conflicted, a race of speed is not what I need.
I move cautiously. Always aware that by going too slowly, I risk getting nowhere.
However… Go to quickly. And, my mind will rebel.
Daily I work to juggle the two…
The need for comfort & safety brought about by my long standing routines.
And, the need for freedom, possibilities & growth – all of which are found only by breaking out of my comfort zone.
The path I need is the one I’m most reluctant to take. However, I know if I choose to continue on the same way, I’ll regret it at the end of my days.
I’d like to say, “I see an end in sight.” However, I’m starting to believe this war within myself is here to stay.